No Me Queda Mas (Daddy Memoir, written Sept. 5, 2009)

Published October 20, 2013 by moradalila2010

I wrote this short piece while I was grieving for my father (in Spanish). A lot was going through my mind; my connection to him at the time was through writing and prayer. Now, it’s been 6 years; I still can feel his warmth caressing my shoulders, his voice still telling me ‘You’ll always be my little girl…’ and his smile so bright and carefree… I know he is watching over us.

 

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                      RIP Frank Rodriguez 1938-2007

Tranquilidad, será mi acecina. Que mis gritos, dentro de la oscuridad, no serán escuchados, ni siquiera podre escuchar la ayuda de otros seres humano. Este acercamiento será un camino lleno de reencuentros, tristezas, realizaciones, o downfalls.

¿Fui yo el que decidí perseguirte? Completas un vacio dentro de mi alma.

Podre decir, que dentro de ti te llevaste algo muy valioso para mí y a la misma vez dañino. Llevaste ilusiones. Llevaste acercamiento. Llevaste niñez. Llevaste y derramaste revolvimientos, y algunas compasiones. Llevaste y robaste mi corazón.

Aunque todavía existe dentro de mi vida esperanzas, sueños, progresos, no pudiste llevar algo tan doloroso, el miedo.

Pero aun así, tendré tu presencia. Mientras crecía, sembraste y cultivaste en mí tu sencillez. También tu brillo de tu cabello castaño, tu nariz grande, tu rostro y tus ojos. Enteraste cultura, y etnicidad…

Cultivaste y modelaste a otra persona.

Posiblemente te has llevado varios sentimientos, pero todavía hay memorias. Eso no lo pudiste llevar. No me ensenaste como estar sin ti. Ahora este corazón tiene que convivir con el miedo y esta ausencia infinita.

Love Child

Published October 17, 2013 by moradalila2010
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family, motherhood, love, growth, life, culture, values, self, spoken words

My fingers touches your heart. I can hear your voice: tender and grace. A creation that I was so scared to make. Your warmth tickling my soul. Oneself. The second we meet, love at first sight. Oneself, innocence that I deeply want to last forever. Oneself, uniting strangers as one; silencing tormenting pasts. Oneself, you may not be my last; you hold the key of our stories, the protector of all siblings that may come. Oneself, uniquely created with a purpose that only thy shall know. My first, my carefully kneaded womb, my beginning of God’s faith and love for me (written 10 weeks in my belly).

Out of Frustration

Published October 4, 2013 by moradalila2010

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For a quick second I have forgotten who I am. I’m unsure whether it’s the people surrounding me or this city in particular that has made me run full speed into a cement wall. In the words of the Proverbs, I must build boundaries. I don’t know if it’s this town that makes me feel like $ $ $. A profit for the rich, just a number for our so called modern “founding fathers.” Let me remind you…………… let me remind myself about these boundaries. If this city, government……… the brain washing politicians; who portray leadership, have tried to market themselves instead of fore-showing their truth (I’m not buying it NO MORE). Let me reinstate; within my boundaries, I am under God with shields in hand, standing out for what’s Truth. Indivisible; attempt to tear down these walls, over my dead body! The God I know, no matter what religious denomination we’re in he loves us equally. With Liberty and Justice for all…  

My first words: Being 1st time Mom

Published August 8, 2013 by moradalila2010

Someday you’ll open your eyes; when you do, I will be there holding you. I will wipe away your tears when you get your first scar. I want to make sure you live your purpose; we got your back. You will never feel alone or confused. I won’t hide any secrets, I want you to be yourself. As you grow, I will sing to you, pray for you, laugh and cry with you… we will enjoy life because God has blessed us.

There will be times when you will feel scared; when you look back I am cheering for you. There will be times when you want to fight; when you are fist pumping I am disciplining you with TLC. There will be times when you want to be right; you will turn around and I will be holding a book in my hand telling you stories about righteous people. When I am gone… you will turn around, you will see me in the mist of the light underneath the stars and sunsets… Our spirits will never be apart… I will be proud of you till the end of time.

Walking Across; Why Me God?

Published July 25, 2013 by moradalila2010
 “…What religion do you practice?”
“…Well, if God exist then why bad things happen to me/why does evil exist in the world!”
“…if we do certain things won’t HE punish us?”
 

     Questions, questions… Am I embarrassed of you? Am I ready for this? I may have all the answers to these questions, but I’m afraid…

 
“…REALLY. But in the Bible it states this…”
“…you got baptized! Didn’t you get baptized through the Catholic Church…”
“…are you converted?…”

     (Complete silence.) Lord, why do you place me in these situations. I’m too emotional. I feel fragile. I feel unprepared. I feel ignorant! Like I have a shield to protect me from all these insults, questions, these interrogations… My family, my peers and now my co-workers! It’s not the interrogations that bothers me it’s the fact that they don’t understand You, like I do. Or do I?

      (Passing back and forth. Sits down. Pouts, and grins.) Why? Why God, why! Listen… (Stands up) I am a sinner. I did held grudges, and I have a past that I cannot resist. I want to move forward but I am afraid. I don’t want to disappoint You. I know things happen for a reason…but why me!

      (Looks around) Look, all I know is that… is that… that through You I am pour, through You I can fix things, through You, I can live happily… You paid a high price. Yes, You did. Through Jesus, Your son and our savior… that no matter where I end up, how I get there, or what will be the outcomes; You will be there with me. You created me. You knew me before others. Strengthening me through faith. Creation of a body armor that cannot be shattered only by mankind’s words and deceptions. I know where I stand. It’s clear to me. (Sits down) I fear You. Almighty as You are, please forgive me for doubting You as I will forgive those who has wronged me through my faith…

Broken Silence: Praising Our Lord without any Fear

Published May 5, 2013 by moradalila2010

Silence. Is what can be either bitter sweet or pleasant.

Silence. Someone’s friend best or worse enemy.

Silence. Crying pains, joyful moments.

Silence. Unspoken beauty stored where no one can hear, for fear of the unknown, judgments or misinterpretations.

Silence. Unclear scars, once so hurtful and shameful.

Silence. Is what most hear when someone is crying for help, loneliness, confusion…

Silence. What this world we live in wants us to do.

 

Jesus says, “speak!” I will reassure your words, shield those lips from venom.

Jesus says, “Speak!”

Silence, in front of the Demons who point straight at your heart, but fails for THE TRUTH is their kryptonite.

 

Open up your heart, let me in!

Open up your hearts and let him in…

I took a step. It wasn’t easy, the trip over there, but I have proclaimed my faith and I am full of power and joy. I can take anything anytime. Now I know that I am worthy and my value is strong. I am going out there, to this world, to not just proclaim my faith but to testify that I have survived many storms, cried many nights, hurt in silence, had many doubts and kept in silence. I have spoken beautiful words that many fear to speak… Jesus loves me and I know that I will obey with my purpose.

 

Silence only when I listen to those that need an ear.

Silence when I hear ignorance or negativity.

Silence only when the Holy Spirit tells me to rest; I am not afraid… this is the power of our Lord upon entering in my life.

To My Brothers (a note from a Veteran)

Published April 7, 2013 by moradalila2010

My husband has written this letter after the announcement of the war being ended. This was his insight and feelings toward this event in history. His powerful words has inspired me to also reflect upon those who have fought in this war, that for me, has not yet ended.  

“Today as we mark the end of the Iraq War, I find myself unsure as how to feel. On one end, I feel sorrow at the loss of four and a half thousand of our brothers and sisters with countless more wounded and others forever changed through the trials of war. On the other hand, I also think of the countless enemies, whom did not face justice, whom will live on to fight another day.

I think about my own experiences, friends I made and lost, especially, after our return, the sacrifices made by all and the mistakes of a few. I think of my own feelings of guilt of leaving the fight unfinished and the relief of being recalled to duty only to face even greater challenges, grief and sacrifices. To witness the gratitude of some of those we sought to liberate and the futility of trying to convince others that we where indeed on their side with their best interest at heart regardless of some politician ambitions or machinations.

At this point, none of it matters. What is done is done and cannot be undone or redone. I have no regrets and make no apologies to what was a truly eye opening experience.

I know now that none whom have never served can understand the complexities of war. Even those close to us who try to understand but cannot. How do you explain the unexplainable? How can they see what they have not seen?

I write these words in search of my own answers and to get my brothers and sisters to come to terms with this most somber of days. For today, is not a day of celebration, but a day of mourning for our comrades who we’ve lost. I hope my fellow comrades, with whom I have served, can look in the mirror and see the truth in that you are all men and women of honor. Courage and sacrifice. Every last one, whether American born or American earned. God bless you all and to those still fighting the good fight…good hunting.”

Oracion al Alma Boribundo (spanish blog)

Published April 7, 2013 by moradalila2010
Amen.
 
Yo no pregunto por mucho. Solo pido que mantengo esta paz que estoy sintiendo ahora. No quiero perjudicarme dentro de la relación que tengo. No quisiera, ni menos, perjudicarme dentro de este clima. A veces no puedo requerir ni exigir mucho. La paciencia que tengo; el esfuerzo que cargo; mis emociones, consume y produce un “ va & ven” en mi alma. Esta paz no es emocional sino espiritual.
 
No quisiera ser la perjudicada y meter excusas a cosas que por supuesto necesitan resultado, inmediatamente. No se puede perjudicar a los hijos de aquellos que son ciegos a los prejuicios de una madre. Esta madre podar estar buscando su fe ahora. A una edad 3era, en el cual ha abierto sus ojos para encontrarse en las garras del Diablo; de un Demonio que logro perjudicarla: la depresión y ansiedad. Estos Demonios combinados con la soledad, tal vez el abandono y los juzgadores de su apariencia social y su morales.
 
Dios, abre su alma para poder escuchar a su Espíritu Santo, que aun batalla para llegar a ella. Espíritu Santo, que me atrae a ella, porque moralmente y físicamente ella contiene orgullo para resistir ayuda de ambos sus hijos ciegos y la miá.
 
No pido mucho. No requiero mucho, solamente equilibra mi paciencia y estado de humor hacia su situación y su familia. Quisiera verla sonreír y no llorar. Quiero que se levanta y eche al lado esas voces vagabundos e ignorantes que quieren verla caer en ambos Demonios; la depresión y ansiedad.
 
Requiero que mi corazón y la tuya les hablen y les den ayuda en estos tiempo de necesidad; en estos tiempos de oscuridad…
 
No lo podre lograr sin ti Espíritu Santo y Ángeles de la Guardia. En el final mi alma batallara hasta verla sonreír sin miedo y sin prejuicios. Yo podre ser su camino o ángel de su salvación…
 
Gracias & perdoname por cualquier duda.