The Way I Think (Proverbs 23:7)

Published July 26, 2014 by moradalila2010

Now I’m a Writer. A Creative Writer. A type of Writer that displays her emotions on paper and tears down unbreakable boundaries. Anyone can be a Writer. Writing isn’t only for the Scholars. It’s also for regular folks like you and me.

I’m a Writer that expresses what’s tormenting; cultural boundaries that were shown to me while growing up. I write for a future that is unscripted, that only God would know and for my children to read. Writing is my therapy. Being a stay home mom doesn’t post pone my thoughts because I shouldn’t be afraid to share my challenges as a new mother in this generation. I’ve cried so much to the point that dams exploded!

The thought of running away; the thought of not being fit for motherhood … Yes, indeed! I under-estimated myself. In case you’re wondering I’m in one piece (Thanks to God). I’m not broken (Thanks to God). Seeing my daughter smile as she awakes up or when she tries to fall asleep is priceless. I wouldn’t want her potential, purpose to wither neither want her to be in discomfort because of cultural boundaries.

Why hold back my thoughts? This is a calling (I said it before). My Holy Spirit, the angelic voice who’s responsible for my writing, builds the story; explains to me THE TRUTH. I’ve learned that one’s enemy is oneself. Our thoughts mold us and structures our physical appearance to the world. I have multiple titles for my enemy: Inner Demon, Dark Shadow, The Beast, The Monster, Social Anarchist, etc. This enemy of mine portrays fear, silence, and all the deadly sins. The Evil that feeds off arrogance whenever I’m competing with others just to “prove a point” or my existence within its’ hierarchy.

Maldita sea este ser que vive dentro de mi. The only way out from it or the only way to stop it is by doing what I do, writing. Vomiting the venom of despicable feelings and discomforts as well as good ones (oh may I remind you it hates that). So as I write I’m going to tell you my stories; if I don’t, then I’m feeding into my Inner Demon which becomes more stronger, which means, extreme tortures. I shouldn’t be frighten by the figure of expressionism. I want to break the Chain of Silence and Fear that has been encoded by most of my ancestors due to cultural oppression, pride and lack of education.

Tell God Everything (Psalms 13:1)

Published July 26, 2014 by moradalila2010

I just yell at her. I scream and complain to her. I look at her and just leave her there; as if I am not ready for this. How can I trust You! I am not …

I’m afraid of the inner Demons. They’re trying to poses my Holy Spirit into going away. All I want to do is cry. I feel exhausted, I feel lazy and I feel untrustworthy. Why am I allowing myself the doubts, the disappointments?

This isn’t me God! This isn’t me! Am I not suppose to feel overprotective? Am I not suppose to cast away all the doubts and allow the good-will come to me? Right now, I want to leave …

I’m losing my spirit. I am losing my religion. I don’t know … What’s wrong with me? Everyone around me says “You’re doing great,” I disapprove …

I’m weak, vulnerable and confused. I allow my guards to be down. Causing crazy, weird spirits (ghosts) to come into my home and touch my things! Touch my most precious things that mean so much to me …!

Why do I become attach to others’ strengths; depending upon them to reboot? I am just a weak …

Lord, this is me crying out to you for HELP!

S.O.S Life Savior in need …

A Glee Moment

Published April 1, 2014 by moradalila2010

We meet people day by day. But there are some people who stay close to you (in your heart). Once you say your fair-wells; you begin to wonder, where will these people end up in a few years? or would we meet again? It’s destine to meet one another. Some, most than other, feel that they have meet before (can you say day-cha-boo) and it’s an instant connect.

I’ve seen and heard from many, we’ve been through a lot after H.S., however each challenge we take upon has been won, each of us have grown in our own ways; leaving behind a lot of painful & sad moments but keeping the good & fabulous one; promising ourselves that we’ll remain as friends and to never look back…

I cannot emphasis how content I am with all of the people who I’ve had an honor to meet. Each moment in my life, I consider a lesson; another moment to sail through the storm and find the light; to see myself in the mirror for who I really am (that includes previous relationships, old-new friends, ex-coworkers and coworkers)…

I’m about to be a mother! This I am thankful and give some of the create to people who considered me more than just a “weirdo, nerd or random chick” and/or “classmate, student, neighbor, or ex-acquaintance/friend.”

I am overwhelmed with joy, love and gratitude…

~Morada Lila~

Withstanding Self (Holy Thought)

Published March 25, 2014 by moradalila2010

Women are like tea bags; it isn’t until you dip them into hot water that you’ll figure out how strong they can be (paraphrase from President Roosevelt quote).

(Psalms 63; 1-11, MSG)

As my unborn child is being formed in my womb; I’ve noticed, how merciful and grateful you have been to me. Before my rebirth (towards the end of 2013), I went through trials and turbulence. An aura that not many can see at the present time. No one can see: my fears, my dark shadows, the younger version of me that has been kept in a concealed environment; a part of me that I’m glad has been washed away as I emerged into your holy water…

I used to feel as if nothing would ever be right for me; moments where I felt that I just couldn’t wake up, moments where I couldn’t see my reflection in the mirror, moments where I wanted to escape; the desire to be with my father (RIP 2007), the only person who guarded me from dark shadows lingering within our family.

Every other night, I was awoken to silence; agonizing because, I was surrounded by people who were ignorant and too scared to face the Truth; threaten by silence, a curse implanted upon my mother side’s of the family…

You’ve never under-estimated me. The venom of silence, couldn’t trick me into believing the lies. I destroyed the crippled walls that kept me from my purpose; I’ve cried out for salvation and courageously walked through a path filled with shattered glass.

Each fearful step, I bleed. Each fearful tear, I bleed. Each fearful cry, I bleed… I’ve bleed out the venom, I’ve bleed out the lies, I’ve bleed and drained all that was left from the falsehood created by abuse, cold-distasteful, deceiving physical love and greed. I drained the blood that supposedly resembled who I am as a woman.

Towards the end, you welcomed me with a new embrace; providing me with friends and mentors who were bold and stubborn enough to shield me, take care of me, and encouraged my metamorphosis. These people, became my family. They feed my Soul and Spirit; never questioning, never doubting and never cursing me.

As I move further towards your path, the feeling of clarity and peace overwhelms me. This overwhelming sensation has enlighten my future. I praise the days to come by embracing my voice. Not holding my tough, I speak the Truth and tear through las cadenas y berras del silencio (the chains and gates of silence) that once held me back from love, dreams and myself. Narrating my story, which would soon be heard by many who are being kept in the dark because of the venom caused by silencing their voices.

 

Holy Thoughts (New Years 101)

Published December 31, 2013 by moradalila2010

I want to take my time and really think about how life will become from here on. I am carrying another soul in my body; everything I do she feels. Everything I think she thinks, until she grows older and have her own sense of reality. I am a mother… Everything I been through as a single woman, sister, daughter, granddaughter, caregiver and wife are examples of hardships, dreams and goals that I thought I “couldn’t” accomplish…

 Here I am holding her; feeling her movement, while I she sleeps, she is being held by the angels that will guard her through her life. It shouldn’t be scary? The Lord has blessed me with abilities and a personality that cannot be described unless you are walking along with Him or who have faith. Should I be concerned? I am NOT perfect and neither will my children, however, this doesn’t mean that we are nothing or that we aren’t going to have flaws (we all do).

 One thing I shall acknowledge and hold close to my heart; no matter where I end up in life, I am there for God. Anything I do is all in God’s will for me to succeed, accomplish and be head strong. Whatever has happened; dysfunctional-cultural family structures, emotional abuse, demons unveiled, I have survived (if not I wouldn’t have been here). I am not weak. I am not just a friend. I am not just your sibling, and neither am I just a mother. I am God’s child, I am a child with hidden gifts that shall be uncovered. I am human…

The laundry list goes on… Happy New Year…

~Morada Lila~

Holy Thoughts (Legend…wait for it…dary)

Published December 20, 2013 by moradalila2010

Looking at my resume, thinking: “I could of obsessively and insanely chased after a production/journalism career.” However, the Lord has awoken my abilities to an extreme level. I cannot sit here no more and regret neither sob over 3rd-4th place skills that I can apply through my journey while I have 1st-2nd place abilities that will work highly within my family, personality, jobs, and many more. 

You see…I saw/heard the Truth when I hear that my husband is promotive, that my sister in law is successfully going through a PH.D, that I see my in laws less stress and happier (enjoying their senior years), when I see that every person that surrounds me are loving, supportive and grateful for things that I’ve accomplished (marriage, home, job, baby, etc.). But all these things haven’t come if I weren’t have been a caregiver, a humble and sentimental friend, a listener, a guardian, a “you need a hug” companion, determine, spiritual…

 Lord, I searched, searched and searched… I’ve seen my purpose now, though I’m still a little sketchy, I have found the one thing that never fails to make me content. With that said, I’m no longer searching for approval neither keeping testimonies nor am I dismissing my Holy Spirit which has brought me this far in my life… I am a successful, emotionally-revealing, inner-dependent (soul food crabber) lady 🙂

 ~~Poetic entry from Morada Lila~~

Holy Thoughts (Angel whisper)

Published December 20, 2013 by moradalila2010

I hear within me an angel whispering. Asking me to do kind things. Telling me to just try it, be worthy of what you have and be thoughtful and aware of those that don’t. Seems that Jesus is trying to tell his children to not be afraid/fear to extent a hand to those who are struggling, who have loss and were derailed from a specific path, who feel that there’s nothing left in this world but struggles and just “unworthy, pity” request… I hear the angel. She directs me; reminding me the importance of Christ’s birth and sacrifice. It’s the thought that counts; “strange” bold gestures of walking up to them and saying: “God bless you” or simply smiling and not looking away making them ashamed or hopeless… I hear an angel and she is my Holy Spirit directing me to reveal the love of God. I shall listen, for all that I have (friends, family, home, job, life etc) is due to his Grace, Wisdom and Love… and I owe this all to Him.

 ~~Poetic sayings from Morada Lila~~

Allow the Lord Lead Your Path

Published December 3, 2013 by moradalila2010

(Taken by teaching series, Oneplace.com, Dr. Lutzer Erwin W. “Just Let the Lord Lead”) 

Rom.12:1-2;Mat.7:7-8~~~Our transformation shall only be known, understood and holy with the guidance of our Lord’s will.

 

Transform me. Lead me into the path of the unknown. Fear will withhold me but you know how to shove and slide me towards this path. I shall not fear; you’ll be there with me. Wisdom, I seek, for my destiny as a mother, as a story-teller and as a caregiver (for many that are in need to be heard) shall be spread with light in their lives. Casting your light upon them, with your guidance, shall reveal their TRUTH…

Faults will be uncovered; allow my growth and wisdom of story-telling reveal to them, “You’re not alone.” Slowly, allow my strengths to become the reflection of your Love & good will. Transforming it into the purple butterfly that I’ve imagined to be; flying shoulder to shoulder reflecting the beauty of walking towards your path of resurrection and faith.

Amen.

 

 

A Graceful Child

Published November 2, 2013 by moradalila2010

I’m not ashamed of who I am. I’m not afraid to to reveal my love for you. I am who, what, where, how my everything is because of you. Though I can be selfish; not show my respects by just saying a simple graceful “thank you,” I know in my mind you are my savior, you are always fair and never fails to give us many chances… Thank you for revealing Truth. Thank you for cherishing me, loving me and never letting me down. Thank you for casting knowledge, love and support in my surroundings through friends, peers and worshipers. Above all thank you for rebirth, for another chance, another beginning, redemption… I know many don’t respect you or give you credit but the power of the Holy Spirit, in me, has taught me forgiveness, kindness, gratitude, faith and hope which speaks sincerely about you. Nothing nor anything can break the gestures, if it do, your wisdom will carry me through. No silence, no fear, no pain, no despairs (desperation)… For everything you been through as a parent, individual in society, a teacher and being part of a family… Thank you for being our savior, Lord, Jesus Christ. 

Un Toque tan Real (written Sept. 6, 2009, Spanglish)

Published October 20, 2013 by moradalila2010

Desperté. Sentí un golpe fuerte en mi corazón. Un aro acabo de penetra en mi corazón. Eleve y sentí calentura. Desperté. Quise quedarme dormida, porque en mis sueños te quedaste.

Hubo un conflicto. Algo pasaba.

I couldn’t establish what was going on. I ran toward my mother. She ignored all reclaims. She become deaf and stupified. So running into another room, tears developing, the agonizing pain consumed my flesh. Weeping because my mother didn’t wanted to listen to me.

De repente, apareciste. Corrí así ti y te abrase fuerte. Me decías, cuando te abrazaba, preocupado, —“¿Qué te pasa…?— De repente sentí un golpe fuerte, —“¡Papi!”—

Tall and handsome, dressed in a suit; running toward Papi hesitated him. He wanted to know why I’m crying. I weep some more. Seconds later, I felt _el golpe_.

Un abrazo sintiéndose eterno y real. Abrazándome, me mantuviste cerquitita y yo aguantándote fuertemente. Las emociones elevaron.

No air, just the touch of my small hands around your back and my cries for help. You grasped on to my tiny body. I kept on weeping. I felt complacent. I felt your vivid presence. Instantly, I awoke…

No puede respirar. Sentí un golpe tremendo en el corazón. Tu piel, tan fresca, pude volver a tocarte. ¿Qué fue esto? ¿Qué fue lo que sentí casi ahora?

Papi, you were able to break away from the super-natural force that blocks you from humanity. You were able to hold on to my body while I felt turmoil…

¡Aparesiste! Y te espumaste rápidamente.

A picture of you I hold in my hand, weeping like in my dream.

De nuevo te convertiste en un Ángel. Te esfumaste. Y así desperté, llorando, porque te quedaste dentro de mi sueño.